I’ve been accused of cheap takedowns in the past. Taking down restaurants because it’s easy to be nasty about them, writing hurtful things because I’m good at being a food blogger and better at being a bastard. I don’t think it’s fair or accurate, but then I equally don’t give a fuck, given that the criticism tends to come from the kind of influencer who hides behind the Be Kind motif as a cover story for not wanting to upset just about anyone in case their next prospective victim gets spooked out by the negativity and doesn’t send the free cookies. Oh, those delicious free cookies. For me, it’s relative; when I go anywhere, chain or independent, I am looking at what they offer and where they position themselves against similar products. If the Bennetts Hill branch of a bang average bar chain are charging more for a pizza than the Rudy’s twenty steps away, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m going to be comparing them when I eventually get around to visiting. I’m looking at you, Lost & Found. I’m looking at you.
And with that paragraph please position yourself comfortably, for I am about to serenade you with a cheap takedown, although one born out of intrigue and unflinching dedication to put just about anything inside this massive gob. When as hungry as a horse in Longbridge I could, and probably should, have gone to the excellent Herbert’s Yard. I could have, and probably should have, but despite the multitude of options from the lords of street food there, they never had a range of items featuring Vimto. The Cambridge does, being part of the Hungry Horse group. They have a Loaded Cheesey Vimto Loaf and a Berry Cheesey Vimto burger. I tweeted about them and the internet went crazy! And by crazy, I mean at least fifteen people liked the tweet. I’m all about the numbers, mate. All about the numbers.

The numbers are why we steer clear of the Vimto loaf to start. Two-thousand-three-hundred-and-thirty-one of them numbers to be precise. I mean I love you, well like, well tolerate, well despise you lot at the best of times, but I am not doing a day’s worth of calories on a bit of flavoured bread to make you happy. We stuck to the burger and another ridiculous sounding dish in Chipuffalo Soldier with the idea that we might, just might, have room for one of the tasty sounding desserts. I have my eye on the sweet cheesecake kebab, described on the menu as kebabulous. You couldn’t make this shit up.

Now a plot twist for all of you haterz who think I’m only here to give it a kicking; the Berry Cheesey Vimto Burger is easily the best burger in Birmingham. Just kidding, it’s shite. Awful, inedible shite. Holding the atrocity together was two stale halves of a rainbow bun, coloured the light purple of Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen’s undergarments and as sweet and indigestible as Justin Bieber’s last record. Two patties, beef in description, the texture of ear wax and not as appealing to eat. The Vimto onion chutney is just that; onion cooked down in a sweet syrup that tastes of type two diabetes. It is as bad an idea as sticking your penis in a dead pig’s head, or driving to see a castle whilst ill with COVID. It’s atrocious and at just over a tenner I could eat Flying Cows – arguably the best burger in the country – across the car park at Herberts Yard and still have change. I had to analyse the stench of the Chipuffalo Soldier before it made any sense. The stench was old cooking oil, the southern fried chicken fillet burnt in spots and the quality of a cheap supermarket equivelent. Inside is a fajita of sorts; uncooked peppers. the acerbic tang of cheap spices, glued together in a folding tortilla by a half melted American cheese slice. Sorry to go back to the comparisons, but The Middle Feast are over at Herberts Yard knocking out chicken in pitta for less than this.

There is room for the sweet cheesecake kebab as neither of us finished our food, but there is no way I’m wasting another penny here. As the plates are cleared and pints drank (for some reason I dodged the specialist Blossom Hill menu) I ask the waitress if anyone orders from the Vimto menu, “they do, but I have never tried it. I don’t like the taste of it”. We both laugh. Neither do I, anymore. Neither do I.
3/10