There’s this pizza place near me, we’ll call it Trudie’s. The pizza is really good when they remember to cook the dough through properly. I have a pizza; my pizza invented by me, a work of my brain, my pizza de resistance. It’s their triple pepperoni with chilli honey, to which I add roquito peppers, fennel sausage, red chilli, and ‘nduja. It is amazing. Meaty. Spicy. Aromatic. Friends go for it, copying my order, pretending to be me for a fleeting hour by guzzling negroni and talking loudly about how great Simon Carlo is. It is just over twenty quid for the pizza, the negronis much more, being Simon Carlo is priceless.
I love it because it is MY pizza. A selection of my favourite things on bread, like when I have a rueben and double-ups on both cheese and pickles. Like when I grate a little cheddar on my cheese and onion crisp sandwich and make sure the butter is two inches deep. The best food is the most personal food; food that we as consumers take ownership for, celebrating its success or adding a sheen to its failures. Deathrow Pizza in principle is The Ploughs excellent pizza cooked under the arches of Attic Breweries The Barrel Store, yet in reality it is so much more. They offer ‘your pizza your way’, a concept I was involved in the making of. I sat in a room with four others, we talked about doing something unique, conversations were had about the ego behind menu making. I wrote some words. I was paid.
It launched whilst we were in holiday. We spent days on the beach laughing at some of the atrocities being committed to dough. Scamorza and anchovies anyone? How about bbq sauce, ‘nduja, and truffle oil? This is why influencers should be locked up. That, and because they are irritating. We tested it out as four-ball, Sophie and I, Alex and Nat. I’m going to review each individually.
#1 Sophie. Red onion, tuna, spinach, black olives, jalapeño, red chillies, spicy tomato sauce, buffalo mozzarella.
The kind of classic combination you’d expect from a future Mrs Carlo, despite my personal hatred of tuna on pizza. She loved it and said “it’s ruined all other pizzas”
10/10
#2 Me. Pepperoni, ham, ‘nduja, Cajun chicken, jalapeño, red chillies, basil, spicy tomato sauce.
Rogue chicken aside, a textbook example of a meaty spicy feast, which was incidentally my old tinder bio. Hang it in The Louvre. I loved it.
10/10
#3 Alex. Mushroom, Cajun chicken, pineapple, olives, jalapeño, classic tomato sauce, mozzarella.
I love Alex, but this can only described as an all-out attack on the people of Italy. I didn’t try, mostly because I’m a man of great taste, but also because I’m concerned that the ghost of my grandfather would do something sinister to me. Alex loved it.
10/10
#4 Natalie. Barbecue sauce, goats cheese, mushrooms, olives, pineapple, rocket.
Maybe Natalie is the new Heston? I doubt it, but maybe she see’s something in that blend that I don’t. I took the piss enough during the meal to do it again now, though she ignored it with grace and ate every last scrap. Natalie loved it.
10/10
See the wonderful thing Deathrow Pizza is it’s the ultimate crowd pleaser. You turn up, mark the pad with your choices, pay the £13.50, and eat exactly what you want on a very good pizza dough. It’s fun, it’s engaging, it causes debate, and is a great laugh. I can’t sneer, or judge, merely accept that this really is your pizza, your way. I’ll be there a lot. Sophie has two more combinations she wants to try, whilst my masterpiece needs refining.
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